16 May, 2018

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Citing evolving national priorities, Congressional Republicans today announced changes to the U.S. Constitution. The First and Second Amendments have been switched; the right to bear arms will now appear first in the Bill of Rights.


“I think that this is a big day for freedom,” said Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, speaking to reporters through the gap in a bathroom stall door of an Arlington, VA Denny’s. “Today we have made it clear that we will accept no restrictions on gun ownership, no matter how sensible.”


“Today we have made it clear that we will accept no restrictions on gun ownership, no matter how sensible.”


At a press conference on the White House lawn, Vice President Pence was asked by a CNN affiliate to explain the process by which the change was made. “It was quite a process,” the Vice President replied. “We sent an intern to Staples to pick up some scissors and Scotch tape. Then we took the original copy of the Bill of Rights down from the Rotunda and made the change manually. The tape wasn’t really sticking properly, so we got a glue stick and stuck the whole thing to one of those pieces of foam poster-board that kids use for science-fair projects.”


The legal implications of the change are still unclear, and many Constitutional Law experts have been left scratching their heads. “If the glue-stick was made with technology available to Americans on or before May 29th of 1790, the change would have been perfectly legal,” speculated Brett Goldstein, Adjunct Professor of Law at Southern New Mexico Community College. “However, the founders of our nation could not have anticipated the level of technology in glue-sticks today. The blue Crayola Washable Fire Specks Glitter Glue Stick holds 3.1 ounces of inorganic, shelf-stable adhesive. This would have been unthinkable in the late 18th century. We’re really in uncharted legal territory here.”


“The founders of our nation could not have anticipated the level of technology in glue-sticks today.”


Despite the legal ambiguity, President Trump tweeted unequivocal support for the change this afternoon, arbitrarily capitalizing words while exclaiming: “Good JOB Congress for making the 2nd Amendment First Again!”


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Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer has vowed to undo the change in 2020, by which time he expects anti-glue technology to have sufficiently advanced.


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-I am Keith. This is a satire that I have written for an extra-credit college assignment. I will delete it after it is graded. The date in the URL is wrong because I used an old blog post template so I wouldn’t have to code any HTML today.