Warning: I have disabled my phone’s autocorrect feature so that I may use profanity when expressing my displeasure at the inadequacy of my phone’s autocorrect feature. So if you see a misspelling or a typo, ignore it and move on with your life.

The situation at the Oroville dam, hereafter referred to as “The Damn,” has been widely discussed on social media. Speculation on Twitter seems to indicate that some type of alien, either of the Space-y variety or the Spicey variety, is responsible. Others seem to indicate that this is solid proof that climate change is a hoax, and even more think that our Governor is somehow directly culpable, having secreted away infrastructure funding to write checks to Mexico for drugs or hookers or Corona Light or whatever.

Above are some comments from some people who are idiots. More will follow.

News organizations have managed to write 4,000 different iterations of the same article, each of which I have read meticulously in order find out whether or not my un-flood-insured house is going to be swept down to Sacramento. To distill them down to the key points at the time of this writing:

“Dam good. Water come. Water make big hole in other part of dam, not main dam part. Water make ground go away. If all ground go away, everybody die. Soon, more water come!”
This comes after several days of reading various assurances from various levels of government that the hole in the spillway was not going to be a big, evacuation-causing to-do.

Even the issue of not-drowning has become politicized.

I’m not saying that you are a terrible person for voting for Trump. But if you go on Twitter and spam disaster-tags, you are absolute human garbage and you deserve to suffer the torment of 10,000 angry hells. This applies to liberals also:

When did we become a shitty croc-wearing culture of un-empathetic, club-wielding, dildo-hats? My guess is when Twitter was invented.

At any rate, I did manage to safely evacuate to Citrus Heights, well out of the danger zone. It took my wife and me nearly 3.5 hours to make what would normally be a 40 minute drive. We stayed the night down there with a friend.

Then we got bored of being evacuated, so we decided to un-evacuate so that we could get books and stuff so that we will be un-bored when we re-evacuate.

On an unrelated note, my clothes dryer has become sentient, and turns itself off and on at will at random intervals. This isn’t much if a problem because I can simply unplug it (and it is about to be destroyed by an enormous flood) but I thought it would be good to write that down- in case I need to reference the date later.

So yeah. That was a pointless rant. I warned you in the title.

And for people who give a damn, my personal Twitter handle is @F_Tweetszche . I mainly use it to argue with idiots and play hashtag games. I am working on turning it into a robot that tweets on my behalf so I don’t have to.

Oh, and here is a picture of my cat prepping for evacuation. The orange thing to her right is a dog toy, because priorities are important.