If you look at the national news on any given day, it is apparent that although people have a constitutional right to keep and bear arms, they often don’t quite understand how this works in application. This problem is so ubiquitous in our culture that I should probably take a moment to offer some free, not-quite-legally-legitimate advice, in the form of an irreverent listicle.
In this training, you will be asked simple yes or no questions regarding whether or not you should shoot something. Jot your answers down on a piece of scrap paper and grade yourself as you go. Be honest!
1. Should You Shoot Terminator Cyborgs?
Yes! Terminator Robots are exceptionally hard to kill, so if you hone your skills, you may be an ideal candidate for the lucrative field of Terminator Extermination. This position offers a six-figure salary, additional hazardous duty pay, and an exceptional retirement package. So when you retire and become an Ex-Terminator exterminator, you can buy a yacht or Maserati or some dumb shit.
Should You Shoot Axes?
No. Despite their fearsome reputation, axes are diverse, peaceful, and fun-loving beasts whose delicate habitat is being threatened by climate change. And if you are cold-hearted enough to murder one, you would be an ax murderer, which is like the second scariest kind of murderer. Think Lizzie Bordon. Scary.
Should You Shoot Heroin?
No. This can be habit forming. I had a friend who shot heroin one time, and then spent the rest of his short life wandering the streets of Reno, just shooting heroin all day. It was a sad and miserable thing. Don’t do it.
Should You Shoot Giant Pandas?
Yes, but only in the wild. Giant Pandas were fortunate enough to miss the brutal drop-kick of natural selection by hiding out in bamboo forests like cowards. They play no significant ecological role, and the millions of dollars that Americans annually send to conserve them, because they are cute, would be better spent saving a non-evolutionary turd of a species that actually needs it. They are cute, though, so let’s let the ones in zoos live out their numbered days unmolested.
Should You Shoot Nightmares?
Nightmares are all in your head, and to shoot them would not be good for you, and if you survived, you would probably just have nightmares about the time you tried to shoot your nightmares. You should see a therapist, who is trained in shooting nightmares with word-bullets. Then they will die inside you and they will be expelled in your urine as they decompose.
Should You Shoot Advertisements?
No. You should click on them and buy a bunch of stuff from Amazon.com. Then Amazon will give me money.
Should You Shoot Other Guns?
Absolutely yes! Although they may look serene and peaceful in their natural habitat, wildflower meadows, these little bastards kill 33,000 Americans a year. SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM NOW!
Should You Shoot Fish in a Barrel?
Trick question! Shoot the bottom of the barrel, and all of the water will run out.
Then that stupid fish will do whatever the opposite of drowning is.
And as he slowly slips away into eternity, he’ll regret the day that he insulted your mustache.